Just couldn't escape

After several months, finally, I have to admit that I couldn't free myself from this job anyway, since the only source of living that I'm capable of doing is only clothes designing, although to be honest I didn't enjoy it as much as drawing. I just have to deal with the fact that i couldn't earn so much from drawing no matter how much i love it.

So, in the end I'm back on the path that i was about to leave before, which is clothes and graphic designing. However, i still refuse to give up on my other 2 dreams beside this one, drawing and teaching for fun. If only i can see the bright light from both paths, I will be happier. Well, no time for whining but just get my lazy ass off the chair and do something useful.

backing down for indefinite time

well, I've been taking a new path for my life for about almost 2months now. I want to open up new alternatives or lets say new chances as the new challenge since i was thinking to leave my old job.
I don't know why or what did I do wrong but in the end i have to face the biggest hardships on my life concerning my career to the extent of taking such decision. For now, i just want to let it flow and let this life guide me to the best way i could find, and be grateful to God for still giving me a good life. I believe if i did good will earned the equal appreciation and that i will meet new people, mostly goodhearted one.
i will keep on searching for good ref though for this blog.

copycat

hi
how boring isn't it?if some people do exactly what we do.and more over i find it very annoying actually.i built this blog more than a year ago,but then recently i found one good friend of mine doing the same thing although not in the blog but in other happening social community site.

well well maybe some people just couldn't find any new idea until they came up with that,how low can they be.for now i might be bored with fashion thing but it doesn't mean i let something good slipped away from my eyes if its fashionable.

Anyway,i still put my attention to this though,so soon i will update this blog with more variable fashion things.stay tune

back to old days

when the last time i said that i tried to change my income source with my old hobbies,i was expecting that it would work faster to replace my lost job,but unfortunately it was as easy as i thought it would be.so here I am now doing thing that i dont want to do again,but for the sake of the daily life cost and needs,i do it again..*sigh...

this time i work on one hijab factory.well its truly unusual for me to accept this offer,then again its not what i really want anyway to work this way,but i cant help,so all i can do is just try my best to fit in this job i have now.i dont know for how long though.

and after a while i realize my heart wasn't belong here in the 1st place,its just against all my way of making art, i can't make what my mind told me,but what my heart,i need to listen to it better n better.

the turned over

ohisashiburi.its been a while since i wrote down what happened to me last time.well i finally leave my last job, and due to my need because of something uncomfortable occurred,i decided to look for another job. unfortunately, most companies i applied to,was having trouble in fulfilling the amount of salary i asked.they said the reason was the decreased selling and the society's economical problem which wouldn't let them take the risk to pay higher.

to be honest, im not actually interested in finding a new job and working for other people again.i just need to have a regular payment for making my own project.cause i have learned enough for years of working.but anyway,i have a great hope at the moment,since what i've started to build in the net is showing a good sign for becoming my next source of living.yea it might not be the thing i used to do for years but its my hobby since i was a child.good luck for my self!

wish for a perfect end

well,its been a tough moment for me lately.after years of working, now i might see the end of it.why? cause the symptoms were shown since last year. the shocking news,the hurried decisions, all the things that led to the moment im dealing now.

i've been so grateful for the experiences,the chances but i think i can no longer see the clear future and achieved dreams if i go on staying in this position.i love and appreciate myself more not to be drawn to deep to the dark core of this mess.i can't afford to risk my life any longer and miss all the enjoyments while breathing this fresh air and the watching this beautiful world right before my eyes.

i have a bunch of plans in my mind for the next step to take ahead.and i have to plan it carefully to find the way for the sweet dreams i've been longing for this whole time.Dear God,You're my only savior, help me get through this and grant my wish for the better future.wish me luck!

piece of idealism dream

for all my life i have always known what i want to achieve in this life and that's including the dreams i want to fulfill in the future.yea well after a long time experience in working with other,although this occupation wasn't the first choice,i want to make something worth it with my experience in clothing line.
i want to have my own clothing shop,i have prepare the name,some designs and now up for the final planning.i've been thinking that i won't live my life like this forever by working to other people.i want to be carefully thinking all the good and bad of what might happen,so when i face any problem later i wont have any regret in my mind.
but unfortunately, lately i've been bothered so much until i lose my patience for couple of times. i don't want to be in a hurry taking decision and plunk myself without a safety parachute,without knowing what it is that i have to deal with later.i have enough experience and confidence.so the last thing i need is to have my private time alone to make this purpose reach the right goal.hmm God pls help me on this.

new year 2010 and the agony

although its a bit late,HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010 !.
the longer i think,the more sure i am to start digging out all my other potential sides rather than stick to what i do at the moment.somehow its becoming clearer and brighter,i might have more chance in this,since i felt i get pretty stuck and bored with my current job.

this is new year and i need new target to make some changes,and i hope God be with me all along until i can my way,my path to my biggest dream. i have to do it,honestly i'm tired with people telling me to do this and that and never let me reveal my own fantasies and imagination,although i have this feeling that i might get something great but they just won't let me do it.im kind of reminded all the time by this song (Natasha Bedingfield):

"Unwritten"

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

my life in fashion :fashion fused with imagination

lately i feel very happy,since now i can mix my hobby with my work,so it'd become less boring than before.i found my long lost world and still i can continue with my current job,clothes designing.
i realize that my effort of staring at the computer for hours and browsing through the net is worth a lot,i gain many new friends,i can start doing my old hobbies again and share it to the world,and also more knowledge from everything new i found in there.

so,i'll try to do my best in doing those i love and work.im glad truly glad or actually happier than ever,this is a good thing rather than thinking some losers around me who do nothing but complain about life and other people,instead of start to put a plester in their mouth once and for all.im happy my new friends encouraged me over and over again to be strong and have faith in my dreams,coz there's none of the impossibilities for God,as long as we believe.although personally i didn't really know them,but im glad i've met such kind and nice people.ganbaro!

keep drawing,keep dreaming,keep wishing and keep working to make them all come true...
insert pic is my drawing of sai,the drawing expert in naruto character.

my life in fashion:12.in the half way

i've never thought to decide things in life would be such a great confusion for me.i don't know whether i was bored or tired or blank,but surely i haven't been in such high spirited life to do things lately.i was trying some other fields which unknown for me before,but i was too scared to keep on walking and find out a little bit more.

i've tried to discover my own long lost hobbies and try to make it as a job but,so far it hasn't gave me any good result after several tests.i've also tried writing and came up with some idea to build it into one storyline,either its for novel,comic or simply one short story,but then again, the unconfident mental of mine has successfully prevented me from make those ideas into reality.

in the end i'm only wondering up in my room thinking and has never stopped doing it until now, what is the best thing to do?i know that the safest way would be to stick around in this type of job that i've been doing for like more than 10years,but it has brought me nothing but emptiness,since i have lost the excitement from long ago and that im tired being betrayed by people around me.although i can never stopped thanking my superior for still giving me such opportunity and time to let me think whats the best thing to do in the near future.please God show me Your miracle once more and guide me to the best way...

my life in fashion : 11.envious mind

it has been quite a long time,a few weeks exactly,that i had this thoughts.the thoughts to reform and change everything i did so far in my life especially my work.its not that i declined or refused to admit the big deal of participation from my superior in the office,but somehow i am thinking to move forward a little bit more.

for the past 12 years i've been working in this field,i've gained a lot of unwritten knowledge and experiences for someday building my long time dream,and that's when i have the guts to do it. in the beginning i was thinking that i would still preparing for sometimes,but unfortunately i can't.something big has changed my mind recently,and i've decided inside to take that step faster that what i've planned before.

im so envious towards my ex-work colleagues who succeeded in achieving their goal and stand in their own feet without sweating another ideas under the pressure of those who hired them.they have become the leader and living what they've dreamed of.i wish i would be just as good as them or even better and gain more appreciation in expressing my own ideas.i would really love to test how far i would go.Please Dear God wish me luck and shower me with Your greatest blessings.Amiin

my life in fashion :10.boredom

actually i dont know what to write in here since things are so unpredictable until i have no idea what will happen after this.all i know is that i feel so bored so blank and tired of all this.i really envy to some of my friends who successfully made their own business and decide thing by their very own hand and not under order from others.

sometimes when we're working for other there are things that we will find during the time we spend such as disagreement,disapproval,less appreciation,less power to decide,as if we're just some robots who have nothing no will towards the owner of the remotes.cant move freely,until we find ourselves easily let being stepped on by the people.i wonder when i'll get the chance to prove that myself worth so much more than what people think all this time.i just need to get the right time to move on my next plan.but right now i have nothing to do but wait and wait although its so damn boring and tiring.

my life in fashion:9. in the middle of nowhere

Actually, rightnow,im in the middle of big chaos over the decision made by someone i respected and paid for my work.i would never know what is the real reason behind all these,since it was a sudden change and a surprising decision which affected all of the people involved inside.

as if the view i used to see very clearly,now is nothing but blurred vision.somehow i knew something like this might happen someday,but it has never crossed my mind that it will faster. i dont know, i dont want to have such feeling as this,and i must start thinking some other way to handle all of this,as the future wasn't meant to be predicted anyway.im not afraid at all with whatever happen later since i believe i have the skill and experience which i can rely on if i desperately need it. 

i just wish there is a hidden purpose from God for me when i get through this,maybe its a sign, who knows.i always hope nothing but the best that i would achieve even from the worse moment in my life.i just have to keep thinking positively.Please God, just help me get through this and show me the best way.amiin 

my life in fashion : 8.there's all there is to it

after the last part,i dont feel like continuing the story in my life concerning my work in fashion. the things were just up and down,sometimes drove me to the corner and drowned me deeper.some people held a grudge againts me for some of the reasons that i didn't understand why.i tried to do something or help but in the end,they took it in wrong impression.too difficult to continue since many things in life that i prefer to keep it only in my memories.

actually my mind is kinda stucked somewhere,cause lately somehow i feel like im losing it, i feel extremely bored with all this.i really need to refresh my mind and take some vacation somewhere quiet and beautiful.the first thing that come to my mind is beach.the sound of the sea somehow never failed to amaze me,everytime i sat there in the sand,as if the wind just blows there and take my burden away from my shoulder. 

so,fashion is indeed one part of my life that would never change.i lived with it,from it for almost 12years now.what the future will bring i will never know.i only try to make the best of it each day as long as my live.cheers! ganbatte kudasai

my life in fashion : 7.in the name of friendship

part 7 : in the name of friendship.

and so i didn't work for mr.G in a very long time,since he finally decided to leave all behind and turned himself as a meditation teacher after converted into buddhist.i tried to pursuade him but it was useless.so i regret myself for not having a longer time to learn more about fashion experiences from him.and so,i decided to rest for a while before looking for another new job.while i was taking my time, my ex colleague asked me to help him in his own project and his plan in raising a new office.i'd helped him though sometimes i felt like being underestimated by his society.its a well-known habit for his ethnic to do so.as a friend i even agreed to give discount on my payment,since he was just starting his business.and so i worked for him for couple of years until one day they came.

molly and her boyfriend.they're from one country somewhere in Europe.they wanted to look for a place where they could find a source of selling thing for their shop,especially the clothes. as most of people here in my country assumed that foreigner always came with a bunch of big money bags with them,thats how my boss a.k.a my friend and his friends saw them.so, when my boss found out that they weren't as mr.G used to be,he got dissapointed and started neglecting them,while he should've helped them.instead he handed them over to me to handle and took care of them.so, in the beginning,my intention was purely doing what my boss told me to do,but as we're getting to know each other better,we're getting closer,especially with molly,i want to help her as a friend.i felt sorry for her to be cheated several time by some unresponsible people,so i decided to help her based on our friendship.i helped her as far as i know by my knowledge in this field.but she refused to take my help freely,she wanted me to accept her sign of gratitude by taking some fee from her. i insisted in refusing it and she also insisted in giving it to me. she even wanted to let my boss know about us,but i told her no,coz i somehow knew how his reaction would be towards us.

 

my life in fashion:6.personality vs professionality

part 6: personality vs professionality

i finally decided not to continue my job as many obstacles and unhealthy atmosphere in the office.i talked with mr.G as i also have been assigned to be his assistant,just for giving him a chance,if he'd like a replacement for my position.atfirst,he seemed shocked,and started asking why,why am i leaving the job.i explained to him the real situation and he understood.he said that he would still hire me although i worked for other comapny,but finally he decided to hire me himself as his assistant.i accepted his offer cause i would gladly learned more from him and his experience in this field.he told me to keep on helping my boss,during that time,but apparently my boss denied it and think of me a ungrateful sinner.actually when i first told my boss that i want to quit,i hoped he would asked why and i'd told him that i 'd only asked for a raise in my salary since the position already rised as the chief of sample department and designers.but he just didn't make any reaction and left,made me feel like i was no longer needed in this company.

and so i worked for him,mr.G for sometimes until he decided to retire and left all his business in the hand of his partner,cause he wanted to do something else,teaching meditation.he said 10years was enough for him.i felt sad,cause i didn't have any more teacher that i could looked upon to.as long as we worked together,he'd been treated me very nicely,in the beginning i was thinking he would saw me by my appearance and doubted my ability in designing.well,im a muslim with a hijab.but apparently not,he judged based on my professional skills.i may have the appearance of a muslim that everyone would think i will work by my belief,but no,my life and my job is two different things.up until now,i made designs for european markets,which is definitely the largest community of non-muslim. i made sexy design,short pants,skirts,tshirts. for me it doesn't matter at all,cause i'd never want to set a limit on my imagination. 

my life in fashion :5.caught up in a nice short-term lessons

 

my life in fashion :5.caught up in a short-term lessons 

stupidly,most of my people,seeing the foreigner a.k.a western people as the holy mighty rich and handsome tourist who might became their best partner to have a better life,better children,especially a single and young foreigner like mr.G,the customer of my boss.for them,especially girls,seeing him was like seeing  one best chance maybe to fulfill their dreams,or atleast,to get our boss appreciate them better.i hate the way of their thinking and they way they sucked up to the boss.so,when my 
boss chose me over them,they burst to anger,meanwhile there was nothing they could do 
since the boss was in my side,all for the sake of his trust for the job to me.atfirst, it felt 
awkward for me to be his assistant,cause of our differencies.in my mind i was thinking maybe he 
dislike me,but he wasn't that kind of person. he treated fairly based on the job.and so, i could 
get along with him just fine and we worked together for couple of months.the people who 
used to treat me badly,they slowly turned to do things the opposite way,they tried being nice to 
me.
actually i could not trust them when i remembered what they've done to me back then.but 
in the end i just ignored them,since atleast i got a little peace in my mind out of their 
disturbing behaviors.yet another thing came up as my boss hired more new designers,his new 
secretary and my friend from the branch office moved here to work with me as the receptionist.
since mr.G is also quite handsome and friendly person,all the single girls in the office keep 
their eyes on him.

I didn't really care about all the unimportant things,i got stressed for adjusting to the job new level,coz before i just designed clothes for local market and now i had to learn new designs and techniques for europe market.its kinda hard but my boss kept on encouraging me not to give up, he trusted me that i would be able to do it.after sometimes,yes, i did it, and mr.G was super kind 
to taught me new things i dont know before,such as lending me his laptop so that i could learn 
making design in the computer,not only manually drawing it.and also taught me other things 
concerning all about the market that he'd done for the past 10years.we have discussed alot and i was glad be friended with him beside the job.

but too bad that didn't last long enough.many frictions,many problems occured,had made me took a huge decision in the end,although everything was great in the beginning.

my life in fashion:4.new jungle called job society

my life in fashion: 4.new jungle called job society

after i finished my schools in both english and fashion for one year almost in the same time,luckily, the vacancy from both of my studies was already there.my english school offered me to be one of their teacher/staff for the english course,and i was also accepted in in small boutique. finally,since i couldn't do both,i had to choose one of them,i prefered the design's job.all for the sake of classic reason,money.i wanted to start saving some money of my own and also gave some for my parent as my gratitude towards them  for all this time.

from my first experience in work until then, there were many things i learned.as in goodness and bad,happiness and sadness,friendship,betrayal,love,achievements.altogether has brought me into who i am today.at first, for me,entering the new job situation was like entering one wild jungle,i couldn't differenciate between good or bad people,what was proper to be done or not, all the unwritten rules all over the place.as for my first job they've eaten me alive,since i wasn't be able to survive cause of my innocence and naive behaviour.as for my second job after i graduated from schools,in the beginning i was learning a lot,started by dealing with the customers,direct drawings and had been given more responsibilities in my duty.the boutique actually taught me many things,but the fun and the knowledge went by as my boss told me to moved to the new branch office.almost all the time i just sat down waiting and bored to death cause the lack of customers.so,when once i visited my school to take my certificate,they told me about one famous company open a vacancy for designer.they told me to participate and i did as they said.i finally accepted there and quit from the boutique after working for months.

right in this place,i've faced a lot more than i've ever imagined before. humiliation, betrayal, friendship, enemies and love. all came at the same times as long as i was there for more than one year.when i started to work,no warm welcome from everybody there,but only a suspicious faces as if lions set a target to their meals,ready to bite. and infact in the beginning of my job,the only one whose nice to me was only my boss.as for the other i didn't know why,they're just put their faces down almost all the time and talked about me in a very horrible way.i didnt know what mistake i've made,but they're just love to humiliate me especially one girl who seemed to dislike me from the start.for some times i've cried but tried to hold on cause one thing in my mind that made me stayed,i must not ever gave up to them as my first job,it 'll be them who lose,not me.

until one day the fortune fell upon me by his appearance.the customer of my boss from abroad. and i was the one whose chosen to be his assistant and made the seniors in the company couldn't close their mouths from the surprise decision of my boss.despite the contrast differences in appearance(i am a moslem girl with hijab) and him(a common european guy),he appreciated me based on professional thinking not by personal.we're getting closer and became friends,that made everyone set a jealous eyes.especially when my boss was counting on me more and more.i couldn't thank him enough for trusting me,for the chances he gave me.but the journey still going on in the next day.(2bcontinued)

   

my life in fashion:3.the achievement on target

3.the achievement on target

day after day,weeks,months passed by.at first,it quite difficult for me to adjust to the situation,since i was an introvert and silence type of person.i wasn't used to talk in front of other and get along with people easily.in brief,i was a loner.

luckily my teachers didn't judge me based only on my personality,but from my ability.so i would still caught up with the tasks and yet i could through it all just fine,with a little here and there problems but it was no big deal anyway.3 levels of the lessons,until the final tests,by doing the fashion shows and writing tests.i was kinda low spirited and underestimated myself that maybe i won't get a good result,cause i knew nothing about fashion at all.i just followed the school's target. suprisingly,i get a good result,the 2nd best for the grade of all aspects in the fashion lessons.i was very glad,thought that maybe i failed and couldn't fulfill my parent's expectation.the same thing happened with my english diploma,i was graduated for the first year as the best achievement among the rest of the students.

i was grateful toward my parent,especially my mom to push me and supported me all the time. during the lesson and before the final tests actually i was accepted in one big famous blazer company.i worked there for 3months until finally they kicked me out for no reason.they just made up the excuse that i dont have the ability they need.i was hurted alot and deeply mad and sad at the same times,coz i knew some of my designs were stolen by the senior designer there. the same person who always talked behind my back.i saw with my own eyes when she did that. i could n't anything that time but only regreting for i was helpless and i was just a 'know nothing' junior designer.for so long i felt down and more down when the head of the fashion school treated me as nothing when she knew i was no longer worked there, as before she acted really nice to me,but my mom and my second older sister never gave up to support me and told me to prove that the company's decision was wrong and that i could do my best in my school.also that i would became a much2 better than them in my career and achievements in the future,if i try very hard.and thanks to them i feel it now.meanwhile the same person who used to stab me in my back still stucked in the same position and getting old.i just wish she wouldn't do the same horrible thing to other as more karma would fall upon her if she keep doing it.i wish she would realize someday that she had to stand with her own feet and be nice girl,also apologise to the people she hurted before. 

my life in fashion:2.the complex feeling when it all started

part 2 : the complex feeling when it all started

when i was in high school i was still thinking that fashion wouldn't be my option for studying after i graduate from it later.cause my older sister had already put her mind to choose this option for her career and i didn't want to or actually i'd never want to be a follower,and i really hate to be judged as if i didn't have my own dreams.and i was glad i didn't have any interest in this field anyway.

i saw that my mom also againts her will to study fashion too,since the costs was quite expensive and she said to my sister that she couldn't afford to pay for her school cause there were still 3 children  in this family to support,my brother,me and my little sister.well,we were a quite big family, with 5children in total. but her(my sis) will was bigger than anyone else even our parents,so she came up with the idea of finding one job to help my parent supported her school fees.she worked in one supermarket from morning until late afternoon then as soon as she finished,she ran to the fashion school until abit late at night.all of her salary was only for the school,no fun no shopping.after sometimes,she managed to finish the study and find a job.luckily it was fast and she was happy.

there was a slight ambition growing inside me that i had to achieve better than her,although not in the same field.and i was kinda dreaming maybe i would became a doctor but the doctor who like drawing,or a physics professor with drawing skills,etc.but all of that dream had fallen apart at the same time i failed in the test for state university.i lose hope and the will to look for private institute where i can continue my study, i prefered to stay and  did nothing just to cure my hurted feeling cause of my own failure.

my mom hated to see me like this,so she decided to find a proper school for atleast filling up this year so i could re-take the test for famous art division in one state university nextyear.she told me to take this as the preparation by not wasting a year only for playing useless thing.she said that i had the ability,i just need to sharpened my skills.honestly i had an extremely lack of confidence,i really underestimate myself.since i was a quiet and introvert person,for me,each new place,new people,new situation would have been a great nightmare.but anyway,i found what my mom's words make sense in my mind,so in the end i accepted her offers,and i just told her that i'll do as she said.

i was registered in two different schools,one was diploma major in English, and the other ws fashion design. and every week i have to study these 2 at the same times,fashion in the afternoon and english in the night.my mom warned me not to neglect any of them,she didn't want to accept any failures. i knew she really meant with what she said,so i tried hard to do so,although inside me,i was still confuse whether i made a right decision since this wasn't my dream at all in the beginning.( August 28th,1997)